How-To

Menstrual Cup Tips & Tricks

Kate Sloan

I’ve been using menstrual cups for more than 12 years. When I was 16, my best friend at the time bought one from a local health food store because she was concerned about the environmental impact of pads and tampons (reasonably so) and wanted to try a more eco-friendly alternative.

I, on the other hand, had been using menstrual sea sponges (which I hadn’t yet learned are probably not safe to use), but had found that they couldn’t contain my flow and would leak whenever I sneezed (!!), so I wrote an email to my friend. “I’m looking at the DivaCup,” I said. “What are your experiences? Do you love it? Have you had any issues with it? Any words of warning?”

My friend wrote me back a glowing review in which she said she loved her DivaCup the way she loved her Coach bag, because both were built to last a long time. “It feels a lot sexier than tampons, too,” she wrote, “because it’s so much cleaner and because of that no-leakage factor.” I was sold, and bought my first menstrual cup online a few days later.

In the years since, I’ve tried many different cups, and have learned a lot about the best ways to use them. Here’s some of what I learned the hard way, presented here so that you can learn it the easy way!

 

Cup Selection

• There’s a great LiveJournal page where the ever-resourceful menstrual cup community has assembled sizing info on many of the cups currently available, as well as their capacity and some other useful stuff. If you’ve tried a cup before and didn’t like the sizing for your particular anatomy, I would suggest going on there and looking for a cup that’s longer/shorter/wider/thinner (whichever you think you need).

• While different-sized cups are often described as being suitable for people who have or haven’t given birth vaginally, that’s definitely not the only factor that can decide which cup size and shape is most comfortable for you. Take companies’ recommendations into consideration, but know that you know your own body better than they do.

• I’ve probably tried 8-10 different kinds of menstrual cup over the years, and my all-time favorite is the large Yuuki cup in firm silicone (they also make a softer silicone version, and a smaller size). I’ve noticed that with my particular anatomy, soft silicone cups tend to leak more, especially if I’m moving around a lot. I find, by contrast, that the firm Yuuki pops open easily when I insert it and almost never leaks when inserted properly (see below for insertion tips).

• A while ago, I was sent the Intimina Ziggy menstrual cup, which has a different shape and insertion method than most cups. I find that its flatter shape is sometimes more comfortable for me on days when my period is causing some vaginal discomfort/sensitivity. It also takes less hand dexterity to insert (you just pinch it, push it in, and tuck the front rim behind your pubic bone), so I often choose it instead of my Yuuki when my hand pain is flaring up. The Ziggy definitely leaks more than my Yuuki, but if I’m just lying around at home as I’ve mostly been doing lately, that’s not a huge deal for me.

 

Inserting a Cup

• First of all, if your cup has a stem to make removal easier, be aware that cutting the stem off (carefully, with sharp scissors) is always an option. I cut the stem off my Yuuki after only a couple of wears because I found that it was poking me in the vaginal wall and wasn’t necessary for removal. Some people just trim the stem a bit shorter, depending on their body and preferences.

• I have found that running some cold water over a menstrual cup right before insertion causes the silicone to temporarily firm up a little, which makes it easier to insert the cup.

• Your cup probably comes with insertion instructions, so look at those. There are numerous different ways to fold a cup so it can be inserted; I usually sort of fold mine in half so it resembles a “C” shape from the top, and slide it in while it’s folded.

• Lube can be helpful for insertion, especially when you’re first learning how to do it. Just make sure to only use water-based lube because other kinds may damage the cup or mess with the balance of your vaginal flora.

• Once the cup is inside you and past your pubic bone, you need to get it to unfold/open up. I usually do this by putting my thumb on one side of the cup and my index finger on the other side, and gently rotating/twisting the cup until I feel it open up. Sometimes doing Kegels can also help with this.

• Rotating the cup, as described above, can also help create a mild “seal” between the cup and your cervix, thereby reducing leakage. I find that only some cups are consistently able to achieve a good seal in this way, my beloved Yuuki being one of them.

• I know that this process sounds complicated, but I promise that once you’ve done it a few times, it gets much easier and more intuitive. I barely have to think about putting mine in nowadays; it comes very naturally.

 

Wearing a Cup

• Barring vaginismus or other legit vaginal health issues, you shouldn’t generally be able to feel a cup while you’re wearing it (in much the same way as a tampon), or at least it shouldn’t be uncomfortable at all. If it is uncomfortable, you may not be inserting it deeply enough or you may be using a cup of a size or firmness that doesn’t work well for your anatomy.

• It’s probably a good idea to wear a pantyliner or pad for at least the first few times you wear a cup, incase of leakage. But even after wearing cups for 12+ years, I’ll still sometimes put a reusable pad in my underwear on really heavy flow days/nights, just incase.

 

Removing a Cup

• You should not wear a cup for longer than about 8 hours at a time without, at the very least, taking it out and rinsing it off before re-inserting it. This is because menstrual cups obstruct the vagina’s self-cleaning process, so it’s easy for your vag’s natural balance of flora to get thrown off if you wear a cup for 10-12+ hours without rinsing it. Trust me, I’ve gotten bacterial vaginosis from doing this before; learn from my mistakes!

• The first step when removing your menstrual cup is to break the seal between the cup and your cervix. In my experience, the best/easiest/fastest way to do this is to press a finger firmly against the side of the cup, just below the rim; this causes the cup to bend inwards, breaking the seal. It is especially important to MAKE SURE you break the seal before removal if you have an IUD in; some doctors say you straight-up can’t use menstrual cups if you have an IUD, because of the risk of the cup “sucking” the IUD out during removal, but if you break the seal properly every time, there will be much less risk of that. (I’m not a doctor, though, so ask yours if you’re not sure!)

• Once the seal is broken, you can gently pull the cup out. I usually do this over the toilet so the blood goes in there, but beginners may want to do it in a shower/bathtub at first in case of splashing or spilling. Like insertion, removal gets much easier with repetition.

• When you remove your cup to empty it (which, as I mentioned, you should do at least once every 8 hours), it’s best to wash it off in the sink before re-inserting it, either with just water or with water and a mild soap. However, if you’re doing this in a public bathroom and can’t get to the sink, you could either rinse the cup over the toilet with some water from a bottle you bring with you, or just wipe it off as best you can with toilet paper before re-inserting.

• Most cups have tiny holes around the rim that help with breaking the seal. Take care to wash these really well whenever you wash your cup, as they can be a breeding ground for bacteria otherwise. I usually fill the cup with soapy water, put my hand flat over the top of it, and squeeze, so that water is forced out of the tiny holes. I’ll do that a few times until I see that the holes have been completely cleared, and then rinse.

 

Cups & Sex

• Some cup manufacturers, like Intimina of the aforementioned Ziggy, claim that their cup can be worn during sex (by which they mean penetrative vaginal sex, which isn’t the only kind of sex, obviously). Personally I have never found a cup that can actually be worn during penetrative sex without leaking a ton, feeling uncomfortable for one or both partners, and/or straight-up obstructing the entire orifice.

• That said, it’s very possible to receive oral sex while wearing a cup (and it may in fact be one of the least messy ways to do so on your period) as well as other forms of external penetration. I’ve also found, in various lazy menstrual masturbation sessions, that some cups sit high enough to give you a little bit of G-spot access for stimulation with fingers or a slim toy (depending on where your spot is located and the size of your cup).

• For the most part, when I want to have penetrative sex of any kind while on my period, I’ll take my cup out at the beginning of the session (and lay down a towel). This is because the sexual arousal process causes the vagina to lengthen and the cervix to lift, so it can be really difficult to remove a cup once you’re already super turned on because you will have to reach farther. Taking it out before any/much foreplay is much easier for me.

• If I’m having sex with someone who I’ve never discussed menstrual cups with, I’ll make sure to give them a brief explainer at some point before sex. It can be alarming to go to finger someone and feel something inside their vagina that you can’t identify and have never felt before!

 

Cup Maintenance

• Cups will usually become discolored over time. This is normal. You can slow down this process by only washing yours in cold water, because warm/hot water encourages bloodstains. I have also found that leaving my cup in the sunshine for several hours (like, say, on a windowsill) helps remove some of the coloration. Some people also like to soak theirs in a 3% hydrogen peroxide solution for a few hours (make sure to wash off your cup very well with soap and water afterward!).

• At least once per menstrual cycle (generally after your period is over), you should sanitize your cup thoroughly. Some people do this using just soap and water; some people go further than that, boiling their cup in a pot on the stovetop or soaking it in various diluted alcohol or bleach solutions. I personally have never had an issue that would cause me to believe that a thorough soap-and-water wash isn’t enough. (This advice only applies if your cup is made of silicone, however. Some are made of more porous materials, such as thermoplastic elastomer; I would not recommend these, but if you do happen to have one, you should clean it more often and more thoroughly than you would silicone.)

• I have had my favorite cup for 10 years and it still looks fine and works great. Silicone cups are meant to last a long time, which is one of the reasons they’re so beneficial ecologically and economically. You can replace yours if/when you want to, but as long as it’s not structurally damaged in some way, you probably don’t have to.

 

Have you tried menstrual cups? What are your fave tips and tricks for using them?

6 Ways to Simulate Group Sex

Kate Sloan
Photo by Kynan (I think?) of glass dildos some friends and I made together in 2015

As scads of people get vaccinated, and lockdowns start to lift in response, I’m seeing more and more jokes on social media about options for group sex opening up as well. For friends of mine whose lives ordinarily contain a high concentration of threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes, the pandemic has brought on a particular type of group-oriented touch starvation that many are hoping to rectify as soon as it’s safe to do so.

But I’m also seeing a common sentiment among these folks that despite their previous willingness to jump into such activities (and more power to ’em), they’re nonetheless feeling hesitant to wade back into those risky waters when we’ve spent the past year avoiding other people like… well… the plague. Sure, depending on your vaccine status, it may or may not be medically okay for you to go hook up with a handful of other vaxxed folks who you find on dating sites like Tinder for Couples, but will it feel okay psychologically just yet? Maybe not. And that’s quite reasonable!

For anyone who’s unable, unwilling, or just hesitant to hop back into group sex, but still craves it, here are some suggestions for replicating it without the actual “group” part…

1. Fantasize. I’m sure you’ve been doing this already if you’re orgiastically inclined! Break out your filthiest mental images and imaginings, during either masturbation or partnered sex. It’ll amp up your excitement, plus studies show we’re better equipped to handle situations we’ve already visualized and practiced in our minds.

2. Use sex toys. A realistic dildo can help you feel like there’s another dick in the room; a full-lipped Fleshlight can feel like an additional mouth has joined the chat; hell, if you’re lucky enough to own a sex doll, you can dress it up (or strip it down) to create the sense of another horny person’s presence. Toys aren’t the same as another human being, naturally, but they’re a decent stopgap measure for the time being.

3. Incorporate bondage and sensory deprivation. If you’re tied down and can’t see what’s happening, it’s much easier to suspend your disbelief and go along with a fantasy that someone else is in the room with you. Maybe your partner could put on some group-sex porn to create a sexy sonic backdrop for your scene, and then silently pretend to be a near-stranger touching you while you squirm and writhe.

4. Talk dirty about it. Whether in person, over the phone, or via text, you can share fantasies with a partner (or hopeful future partner!) about what you’d like to do in a group scenario. This, again, is a lovely way to ponder your desires so you’ll be better equipped to pursue them when it’s safe to do so – and perhaps to commiserate with someone who is feeling similarly orgy-hungry!

5. Zoom with friends. If you’re a kinky pervert, you probably have friends who are too, or at least online acquaintances. See if they’re missing group sex as much as you are; maybe they’d be up for a Zoom orgy, Skype threesome, friendly fuck over FaceTime, etc.

6. Put on a cam show. For some people, much of group sex’s appeal comes from its exhibitionistic qualities. If performing for others is the main thing you’re missing, you can always hop onto a cam site (such as tinderforcouples.org, which has a live cam chat feature) and show off for adoring strangers. Just be sure to cover your face and any identifying tattoos, birthmarks, etc. if you want to protect your privacy.

Folks who are missing group sex, what has helped you deal with this craving during the pandemic?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Protocol Diaries: I’ll Have What They’re Having

Kate Sloan

Wouldn’t it be great if you could order your ideal sexual experience off a menu? Well, in certain sex work contexts you can… but that’s not exactly what I’m talking about here.

For a couple months or so, my partner and I have been using two shared notes in our Notes app to basically do exactly that. It’s a communication tool that has helped us both, particularly in these stressful times when it can be hard to drum up the energy for good sex, let alone good, clear, useful communication about sex. The two notes are called the Sex Menu and the Porn Menu, and I’ll talk about them both here incase any of you find this idea useful and want to “yoink” it for your own sex life. (All credit goes to Matt for inventing these innovations – I’m blessed to have a spouse just as sex-nerdy as I am, and much more tech-nerdy than I am, who comes up with inventive and sexy usages for things like the Notes app!)

 

The Sex Menu is a checklist of all the sex and kink acts that my partner and I do regularly, ranging from the tame (kissing, breast stimulation, oral sex) to the wild (watersports, electrostimulation, ruined orgasms). As I’m the more submissive/bottom-y person in our dynamic, usually I fill it out to give my partner a sense of all the things I’m up for during a particular session, so that they don’t have to individually ask me about each and every thing they’re considering doing.

However, sometimes we switch it up by having them fill it out so that I can then go through it and uncheck anything I definitely don’t want to do. I tend to have more limits and limitations than my partner does, just due to the nature of our differing brains and bodies, so this works best for us, though of course you can adapt it to suit your particular dynamic.

This tool is especially wonderful for those of us who have a hard time asserting our boundaries and/or stating our desires; it gives me a way to express those things without feeling like I’m being rude, demanding, or overbearing. It also helps remind me of all the acts and toys I tend to forget about; on a stressful day I might not remember that a wax-play scene could help reduce my anxiety, until I see wax on the list and go, “Oh yeah! That could work.”

Because I have a chronic pain disorder, we keep a spot at the top of the Sex Menu for me to fill out my pain level du jour and the locations of the pain. This gives my partner a clear picture of what my body might be capable or incapable of on a particular night. Communicating about my pain can be difficult for me, especially when I feel I’ve been complaining about it a lot lately (which is usually the case these days, tbh), so I like having a built-in spot to describe it; it takes the pressure off me to be my own proactive health advocate.

 

The Porn Menu is another document, in which one of us will prepare a set of links to 2-3 porn videos for us to watch together before having sex. I have found shared porn-viewing to be a super useful pre-sex practice for me this past year, when pandemic stress has made my already-finicky libido even tougher to coax into action. Since my desire is responsive (à la “dual-control model of sexual response” as laid out in Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are), I usually need a little help – or a lot of help – to get turned on, and porn has almost always been a big source of that help for me.

My partner and I are both not the biggest fans of mainstream porn with high production values, and tend toward buying clips from indie creators instead. (Pay for your porn if you want porn to keep existing!) Usually we’ll try to match up our porn choices to what we’ve selected on the Sex Menu, so if I said I want oral, I’ll look for cunnilingus porn, and if I said I want to be fucked with a dildo, I’ll scroll through dildo porn sites – you get the picture!

 

Used in tandem, these two “menus” help me and my partner get on the same page about the sex we want to have, and get turned on together even when our lives are stressful. They’re also a reminder that sometimes the simplest communication tools are the best ones!

 

 

This post was sponsored by the folks at MyPornAdviser – feel free to check out their Anilos review if you’re curious about MILF porn! As always, all writing and opinions in this post are my own.

Are “Makeshift” Sex Toys Safe to Use?

Kate Sloan
A cucumber that may or may not have been inside me at some point

There are a few classic questions that come to mind for me when I think about people who turn to sex educators for advice. “Why can’t my girlfriend come from penetration alone?” is one of them; “Does dick size matter?” is another. But here is the one I want to talk to you about today: “Can I use [xyz household object] as a sex toy?”

My initial knee-jerk response is a resounding “NO,” but if I want to be a bit more nuanced and detailed (like the people who wrote this guide to homemade male sex toys), I have to acknowledge that there are cases in which makeshift “sex toys” can be relatively safe to use. Generally, products actually made and marketed for that usage are safer and healthier (toxic jelly toys and “for novelty use only” monstrosities notwithstanding), but if you fantasize about using particular household objects for pleasure – or you face other barriers to accessing real sex toys, whether financial, privacy-based, or otherwise – you deserve to know how to use those objects as safely as possible. I’m not a doctor or a sex toy engineer and this is not official advice (don’t sue me!), but here’s what I know…

First of all, and most basic, you’re going to want to look for an object that is smooth. It depends on what you plan on using it for, of course, but generally, sharp seams and other pointy bits are to be avoided. You may be able to sand these down with sandpaper if you’re that committed to the cause.

Next, in an ideal world, you’d only use products made of non-porous materials, so they can be sanitized effectively and won’t accumulate bacteria over time. Glass, metal, hard plastic, and 100% silicone are all non-porous, and properly lacquered wood can be effectively non-porous even if the wood itself is not. A couple of the makeshift sex toys I used in my youth fit these criteria – one was a metal tube a friend had given me for my birthday that was designed for storing a single tampon in (?!), and one was the gently curved end of a hard plastic stereo remote control. The non-porosity of these materials meant I could clean them fairly easily with soap and water or a disinfectant wipe.

Many people are curious about using fruits or vegetables as sex toys. I understand the fascination – some of them have really beautiful and pleasurable-looking shapes! I also know this can be a cost-effective way to test out what kinds of toy shapes and sizes you’re into, especially since you can carve these treats however you like. (Were your eyes bigger than your vagina when you bought that giant cucumber? No problem, just whittle it down!) But if you plan on going this route, PLEASE wrap the item in a condom, at the very least. It’ll protect you from what’s on the surface of the toy, whether that be scratchy textures or pesticide remnants, and will lessen the likelihood of you getting an infection from stuffing yourself with produce. I learned the hard way that the plastic wrapping on some fruits and veggies is not a good enough barrier when I accidentally scratched up my insides with some tiny-yet-sharp protruding bits of plastic on a cucumber’s encasement. Just take the plastic off and replace it with a condom. And change the condom every time you reuse your “toy” thereafter, please!

“Put a condom on it” is actually good advice for a wide array of objects you could stick inside yourself. Given that even the actual sex toy industry isn’t regulated so not all products therein are actually body-safe, objects not made for that usage are even riskier. Whether you’re using a shampoo bottle, an electric toothbrush, or anything else, repeat after me: Put a condom on it!

Speaking of electricity… When it comes to putting electronics inside yourself, just say no. Toothbrushes are an odd example because they have to be moisture-resistant due to the nature of what they do, but even they are probably safest to use only externally, not internally. You don’t want to ruin your buzz (or your genitals) by accidentally zapping yourself mid-wank!

In addition, it’s my responsibility as a sex educator to tell you that you should not insert anything in your ass that doesn’t have a flared base. (Google “flared base butt plug” if you need a visual aid.) I also just generally wouldn’t recommend putting anything “makeshift” in your butt, because that area is more sensitive and more easily damaged than, say, a vagina or a penis, and it’s just not worth the risk, IMO.

Finally, please don’t fuck yourself with any items that other people in your household use, unless you have their explicit consent to do so. It doesn’t matter how clean you get it after you use it; it’s still a consent violation, and potentially a health and safety hazard, for other people who might encounter that object in your home later on.

Have you ever used a makeshift/homemade sex toy? How did it go?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

5 Fun Things You Can Do With a Penis Pump

Kate Sloan
Pictured: the Max Width Penis Enlarger.

I only worked in sex toy retail for a few months, but I can’t even tell you the number of people who came in searching for penis enlargement products. In fact, it was explicitly part of my training to learn which products actually work on a long-term basis (answer: almost none of them) and which are basically bullshit – although, of course, being in retail, we wouldn’t have phrased it quite like that!

Penis pumps, I have learned, are somewhere in the middle of that spectrum – they offer some temporary enlargement by way of suction encouraging bloodflow to your dick, but that’s not their main or most effectual purpose. Penis pump results are usually more about engorgement, arousal, and pleasure than they are about size – and if you use them with that expectation held firmly (heh) in your mind, I think you’ll have a much better time with them. (Just make sure to read about the risks of using them, and maybe even discuss ’em with your doctor before you do, okay?)

To get you started, here are 5 ways to play with penis pumps in your sex/kink life…

 

Size play. I know I just said these pumps do other things much better than they do enlargement… BUT… they do create a temporary and usually minor enlargement of the penis that can be really thrilling, especially if you in any way fetishize “big dicks,” “monster cocks,” “raging boners,” and so on. (I mean, in our phallus-obsessed culture, it’s hard not to have internalized some of these ideas of hotness, even if you’ve later learned to reject them for the body-shaming beliefs that underlie them.) Whether the dick being pumped up into immensity is a partner’s or your own, it may be exciting to see it become bigger, veinier, and more intimidating for a few minutes. It might even change the penis-wielder’s sense of self (and/or their partner’s sense of them) enough that they’ll feel inspired to do some kind of roleplay scene that takes advantage of their newfound cartoonish hugeness.

Press a vibrator against it. I saw someone do this in a porn clip recently and now I can’t stop thinking about it… The combination of suction and vibration can be terrifically overwhelming, and if the chap in the video I saw is anything to go by, it seems like trying to wring an orgasm out of this method would be a long, slow, teasing process, potentially resulting in a climax half-ruined by the indirectness of the stimulation. If you’re into that, hey, I’m not gonna stop you.

Chastity/denial. It’s amazing to me that I’ve read so many screeds over the years about how “blue balls” are so painful that those tormented by this sensation should be given sex out of pity (oh, boohoo, Chad, go jerk off like an adult), given that there are tons of people who enjoy and actually seek out that sensation. Not just blue balls, either, but sometimes the overall sense of intense arousal with no resolution in sight. I think it would be especially cruel to take someone out of chastity for the first time in days or weeks, shove their dick into a penis pump, use it to crank up their arousal, and then… not let them come. Back into the chastity cage you shall go! (Just as soon as your boner deflates, that is… which, let’s face it, could take a while…)

Put on a show. Most penis pumps are transparent or translucent, making them the perfect prop for an exhibitionist moment. This could be particularly useful if, due to current global circumstances, you find yourself separated from the person/people you love to fuck. I have found few long-distance sexual experiences more intimate and bonding than watching my partner try out a totally new-to-them sex toy in front of their webcam for my viewing pleasure.

Medical play. If I’m into the fantasy of a Victorian-era doctor administering clitoral stimulation by hand in order to cure me of hysteria, I have to assume there are people with penises out there who relish the thought of a sexy doctor pumping up their dick to address erectile dysfunction. As a roleplay, this could be a small penis humiliation scene if you’re into that, packed with devastating jibes about your dick’s inability to function – or it could be an ASMR-style calming experience involving focused attention and caring concern. Sounds great either way to me!

What crafty ideas come up for you when you contemplate adding a penis pump into your kinky repertoire?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.