Your Partner is Allowed to Watch Porn

Kate Sloan
A frame from the movie Infinity Baby, which is not a porn film but does have a premature ejaculation scene starring Kieran Culkin, so there’s that

Every single day on the /r/sex subreddit, people post about their porno woes. Sometimes these relate to their own porn tastes or habits, but often they relate instead to a partner’s viewership of porn.

A common manifestation of this might be something like:

A while ago, I walked in on my partner masturbating to porn. I got really upset, and told them I have a personal boundary that my partners aren’t allowed to watch porn because I find it so upsetting. Then, later, I snooped in their phone and found out they’re still watching porn, even after I told them to stop! Clearly they’re a porn addict who doesn’t love me or respect me. How do I get them to stop?

Even setting aside some of the more glaring issues (like, for the love of all things holy and good, do NOT look through someone’s phone without their permission!), I have a few issues with this type of thinking, and I want to break those down today.

 

1. Your partner is allowed to masturbate.

Period. Full stop.

If you’d prefer a relationship style where your partner is not allowed to masturbate – and, crucially, if that is also what your partner would prefer – then I’d suggest looking into the consensual chastity community, and carefully negotiating the limits of your dynamic, including safewords. Exploring sexual fantasies together can be super fun!

However, outside the realm of consensually-negotiated orgasm-control dynamics, your partner is allowed to masturbate, regardless of how you may feel about it. They have the right to bodily autonomy, as do you, and relationship status has no effect on that inalienable right. If this makes you uncomfortable, point #4 on this list may be especially useful to you.

 

2. Porn is part of masturbation for many people, and there is nothing inherently wrong with that.

Porn boosts arousal, helps engage our brains so we can focus more on pleasure (which can be extra useful when life/the world is stressful), expands our erotic imaginations, and is just simply fun to watch. People who jerk off to porn are no different from people who jerk off to erotica, fantasies, memories, photos of partners/hot celebrities/etc., steamy TV shows like Bridgerton, spicy romance novels, or any other arousal-boosting mental stimulation of any kind. And there are porn categories that stretch far beyond how porn is often depicted and thought about: it’s not all horrific, chauvinistic or unrealistic (besides which, it’s totally possible for a kinky porn scene to embody some or all of these qualities and to have been made with the full, informed consent of everyone involved – Tristan Taormino’s Rough Sex series is a good example).

Plus, porn is a really wonderful thing for a lot of people, both on the viewing side of things and on the production side of things. It’s how many kinky people first mentally explore their burgeoning desires; it’s how some trans and non-binary people first see themselves represented as sexy and desirable; it’s a source of income and a creative outlet for many marginalized creators.

As for “porn addiction,” it’s a moralizing, pathologizing term that’s been applied to a wide range of behaviors, ranging from totally normal levels of porn usage to more extreme/compulsive usage. In any case, it’s not really a useful label and also not a true addiction in the clinical sense. I’m not an expert on this side of things, but would recommend you check out Kris Taylor’s work on this subject if you’re curious about it. There are definitely plenty of people who use porn to a compulsive or unhealthy extent – in which case it might be seriously affecting their employment, relationships, mental health, and so on – but I think most accusations of “porn addiction” (even self-inflicted accusations) are largely based on puritanical moralization, not reality.

 

3. Boundaries are rules you set for yourself, not for other people.

You’re the only one whose behavior you can control, so you’re the only one you get to set boundaries for.

Here’s an example of a boundary:

I find it triggering when I find out that a partner of mine has watched porn, so until I’m able to work through that issue, I choose not to date people who watch porn because I find it too destabilizing at the moment. When I find out that someone I am dating watches porn, I respectfully end the relationship.

Here’s an example of something that is not a valid boundary, because it focuses on controlling someone else’s behavior instead of your own:

I find it triggering when I find out that a partner of mine has watched porn, so anyone who is partnered with me is not allowed to watch porn. When I find out my partner has watched porn, I won’t necessarily end the relationship, but I will get angry or upset with them for having violated this rule I set, even if they didn’t agree to it or didn’t even know about it.

Own your boundaries. Understand that boundaries are about you and your actions.

 

4. You will be happier when you work through this shit

This is really the most important point I always try to convey to people who are uncomfortable with their partners’ porn usage. While it’s never made me uncomfortable for my partners to watch porn, there have been some other, totally normal-and-fine things that have sometimes triggered jealousy, anxiety, or insecurity in me when partners do them – and the healing work I’ve done in therapy, in order to work through these issues, has revolutionized not just my romantic relationships, but my entire life. I am a much, much happier and more stable person for it, and my relationships have improved as a result.

I’m definitely not saying that therapy is easy, or that everyone can access it. I really wish everyone could, or everyone who wanted to, anyway. There are methods of self-reflection that may be useful even if therapy is inaccessible for you, like journaling about the roots of your anxieties or even using therapeutic techniques from Internal Family Systems (Jay Earley has a book called Self-Therapy about this).

I’m also not saying that therapy is the solution to all ills in a relationship. If your partner is abusing you, mistreating you, ignoring you, deprioritizing you, etc., you’re allowed to be upset about that, you’re allowed to communicate about it, and you’re always allowed to end the relationship. When I have trouble discerning between a thing I actually should be mad about, and a thing that’s actually totally fine but that I’m mad about because of my own issues, sometimes I’ll ask a friend or another outside observer what they think.

As ever, these are all just my opinions; you can take ’em or leave ’em, ’cause it’s your life. But when I see someone fretting over their partner’s totally normal porn-viewing habits, I see someone who has the potential to be happier someday, if they view that anxiety as a thread to pull, a road to follow to its fraught source. It’s not easy, it’s not fun, but it is freeing as hell. And it means you can watch porn together, which is hot. Seems like a win-win to me.

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

I 🍑 New York: My Favorite Sex-Nerdy Spots in NYC

Kate Sloan
Outside the Museum of Sex on Magic Wand Day earlier this year

Ah, New York. What is there to say about this city that hasn’t been said already, by Frank Sinatra or Joan Didion or, hell, even Carrie Bradshaw?

I’m not a New Yorker myself (yet!) but my spouse is, and I am awaiting a green card that will allow me to move there, something I’ve low-key wanted to do ever since my first visit to the city at age 9. It’s a city known for tourism (an industry that had an economic impact of $74 billion last year!), and I myself have visited there 20 times in the last decade, sometimes staying weeks or months while visiting my partner – so while I’m far from an expert, there are many places in the city that I adore. People frequently ask me for recommendations when they’re visiting either Toronto or New York, and I’ve already written about Toronto extensively, so let’s talk about my other favorite city, and what I’d recommend there for sex nerds like you and me!

 

Bluestockings

Described as “New York’s only queer-, trans- and sex worker-run bookstore,” this is a fantastic shop, not only in terms of what they carry but also in terms of what they do for the community. (For instance, they were unfairly threatened with eviction in 2023 for distributing life-saving naloxone kits and fentanyl test strips to people who need them.)

Whether you want to learn about grassroots activism movements, queer art, trans joy, the history of NYC escorts, or just lose yourself in some kinky poetry, this is the place to go.

 

Lady Konfidential

Located on the 12th floor of an office building on West 57th St., this store used to be called Eve’s Garden before it rebranded, and it was the first feminist sex shop in the United States. A woman named Dell Williams founded it in 1974, after having a terrible experience at a Macy’s department store, where a male sales associate shamed her for buying a vibrator. (You can hear more about this in episode #3 of my miniseries Making Magic!)

It’s always fun to visit various different sex shops and see what they choose to carry, but this one is particularly interesting since it’s literally a piece of sex toy history. And they carry my favorite lube brand, Sutil, even though Sutil is a Canadian company, which makes me like them even more.

 

The Leather Man

Gotta love an old-school fetishwear shop with a basement full of sex toys! It’s clearly a must-visit.

The Leather Man is on Christopher Street, surrounded by a lot of gay history, including the Stonewall Inn, so it’d be a good pitstop on a queer-themed tour of the city. And the Magnolia Bakery is a few blocks away, incase you want cupcakes for aftercare. 😉

 

The Museum of Sex

Located on 5th Avenue, this institution is exactly what it says on the tin: a museum of sexual culture and history. Some of their exhibits are (I believe) permanent, including some displays of vintage vibrators – but most are short-term exhibits that come and go. I’d always suggest looking up their current offerings online before buying tickets, because they’ve been hit-or-miss for me in the past – but by and large, I tend to have a good time when I go here, and always come away with some new knowledge to ponder or a new fantasy to consider.

Their gift shop, located in the lobby, is also a pretty well-curated sex shop, carrying many toys, lubes, and novelties. I still find it kind of baffling that they stopped carrying (most?) books a while ago, since they’re a museum, but hey, what can ya do.

 

House of Yes

This is a performance venue in Bushwick, but that’s sort of like saying the Eiffel Tower is a building in France… It has to be experienced to be understood!

Their circus-themed shows are my favorite ones I’ve been to; people do all kinds of wacky burlesque, aerial acrobatics, poledancing and more. The audience gets really raucous and there’s always tons of cool queers everywhere. They also hold parties of various kinds here, including sexy ones 👀

 

What are your favorite sex-related spots in New York City?

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Mr. Hankey’s Toys Oni

Kate Sloan
(Soda can for scale)

Realistic dildos are great, but I’ve tested a lot of them, and, well… they’re all dicks, so even with all the many variations in size, shape, texture, and tone, they get a little samey after a while.

So I’m sure you can understand why my interest was piqued by the ultra-textured, wildly fantastical Oni dildo by Mr. Hankey’s Toys. Let’s talk about it.

 

What is the Oni, & how can it be customized?

The Oni feels conceptually similar to those hentai-inspired tentacle dildos that are so popular: it’s vaguely tentacle-shaped and has a ton of texture all along its shaft. But that’s where the similarities end: there’s no actual aquatic imagery in this dildo’s design. Mr. Hankey’s describes it as an “ogre-like demon” dildo, featuring a “demon’s face [that] lick[s] you from the inside.”

As is standard for toys from Mr. Hankey’s, this one can be customized to your heart’s content: you get 4 size options, 4 firmness options, 25 color options, and you can indicate whether you want there to be a Vac-U-Loc-compatible hole in the base of the dildo or not.

For my Oni, I went with the small size, 75% soft firmness, metallic green color, and no Vac-U-hole. In classic Mr. Hankey’s fashion, even this “small” Oni is quite hefty: it’s got 7.1″ of insertable length, and its diameter starts at 1.3″ near the head and widens to 1.9″ as you get closer to the base.

Front & back of the Oni’s shaft

A caveat on texture & firmness

I specifically chose the “75% soft” firmness for this toy because it’s so intensely textured. Firmer textured dildos can feel scrapey, annoying, and even painful – but the softness of this one gives its texture some cushion, so that my vaginal walls feel like they’re being stroked and massaged, not scraped. Generally I’d recommend that you, too, go for one of the softer options if you end up getting your own Oni – I think most vaginas and butts would prefer this particular toy soft and squishy.

That being said, the trade-off is that softer toys are much less capable of applying targeted pressure to erogenous zones like the G-spot, A-spot, or prostate. Many people prefer a firmer touch on these spots because they are somewhat buried in the vaginal or anal wall, so they tend to respond better to pressure than gentle surface-level touch.

So it really comes down to whether you want to hit specific spots (in which case, firmer is better), or just experience a diffuse, textured sensation along your entire vaginal/anal wall with each thrust (in which case, softer is better). I’m a person who generally prefers to target specific spots with firm pressure, so a squishy, textured dildo like the Oni is more of an occasional craving for me, not the bread and butter of my dildo rotation. But that’s just me.

 

Things I like about this toy

  • The design, it must be said, is intricate and gorgeous. The front bears the aforementioned demon face, the back looks like something out of a monster-of-the-week comic, and the tip resembles a regular penis head, but stylized and elongated. It really is a work of art.
  • I love that the tip is so tapered, for two reasons: it makes this toy much easier to insert, despite its challenging texture, and it can also nudge up into my A-spot fairly easily. I also love that it’s shaped vaguely like an actual dick head, as this combines well with a lot of my fantasies when I’m using a dildo.
  • The curve seems to perfectly ensure that the entire front of the shaft rubs against my entire vaginal wall on every stroke. I don’t think it holds its shape very well once it’s inside me, because of the softness of the silicone, but it nonetheless keeps the toy mercilessly in contact with my G-spot and the surrounding area.
  • The texture is enjoyable – when I’m properly warmed up for it.  This is not the type of dildo I can rush into using, even with lube (which it requires a lot of). If I go too fast, my vaginal walls get irritated – but if I take the time to make sure I’m really turned on before inserting it, the texture feels decadent, maximalist. It doesn’t give me the same breathless gut-punch orgasms as toys that press firmly into my internal spots, but the soft texture allows for a thrilling slow-build that feels great along the way, even if the orgasm itself isn’t as explosive.
  • The squishiness is fun to squeeze around, like a vaginal stress ball.
  • The base is chunky and easy to grip onto and thrust with. I also like that a part of it juts out in such a way that you can mash it against your clit when you thrust extra deep. Normally I pair dildos with a clitoral vibrator so I can get off, but sometimes it’s nice to tease myself first by grinding against the base of the dildo.

Things I don’t like about this toy

  • As mentioned, the texture can be a bit much if I’m not sufficiently turned on and/or not using enough lube. And you will go through a fair amount of lube when using this thing, at least if you want to use it comfortably.
  • As the company points out themselves on their product page, the design of this dildo makes it prone to tipping over when stood upright on its base, which could be annoying if you tend to ride your dildos.
  • Commonly for super-textured dildos, this one is a bit trickier to clean than smooth toys, sometimes requiring a scrub brush (like an old toothbrush) to get into all the little seams and crannies. But if you like texture then it’ll be worth it.

 

Final thoughts

Mr. Hankey’s Toys allowed me to pick 3 different dildos (check out my Captain’s Hook review!), and the Oni was really the wildcard of my selections, the one that’s the biggest departure from my typical taste in dildos. It’s squishy, textured, and fantastical, while most of my faves are firm, smooth, and simple.

But the design of the Oni is both beautiful and ingenious; its curve makes its texture feel more dynamic and even more stimulating than it would be on its own. It massages my entire vagina from the inside, in a way that I haven’t often experienced before.

So, shout-out to Mr. Hankey’s for creating the elegant Oni. It’s funny how a demonic dildo can feel so heavenly.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Sweat Worship, Armpit Love, & Fart Porn: How Kink Taught Me to Embrace Being Gross

Kate Sloan
Armpits ahoy! Photo by Cadence Lee back in 2017

Here’s un petit peek behind the Girly Juice curtain: when I’m asked to write a sponsored post for a client, usually there’s a particular “anchor phrase” I’m supposed to incorporate as a link. I use these client-provided phrases as my jumping-off point for brainstorming topics that could include them.

In this case, the client’s requested anchor phrase was “fart porn” (more on that later), and I knew immediately that I wanted to write about being “gross” and how that idea fits in with the cultural conditioning I’ve received as a woman – plus the ways that kink has helped me work through some of these anxieties. Come with me on a smelly journey into the realm of fetishes often viewed with disgust by those who don’t have them, and even sometimes by those who do…

 

“Women are supposed to be clean”

It’s funny/horrible how often women are held to standards that are literally inhuman (especially the more heterosexist swathes of society). We’re not supposed to have opinions or speak our minds. We’re not supposed to have our own goals in life, unless they can be neatly tacked onto the goals of whatever man we end up married to. We’re not supposed to wear comfortable clothes, lest we look frumpy; to skip makeup, lest we look ugly; or to let our body hair grow out, lest we look… I dunno… like mammals? And we’re certainly not supposed to sweat, excrete, or smell less-than-fresh – ever. We’re basically supposed to be beautiful robots who never complain, never age, and always handle our own maintenance in private.

For reasons that should be self-evident, this infuriates me. While I personally don’t feel any particular pull toward, say, growing out my armpit hair, spouting a constant stream of toilet-humor jokes, or pumping iron at the gym til rivulets of sweat roll down my back, I nonetheless think it’s fucked up that men can do all of these things without anyone blinking an eye, but if a woman does them, she’ll be judged as a failure of femininity by many segments of society. Fuck off with that shit! Let women be people! Let women be gross!

 

Fetishism as a portal to empowerment

In 2017-2018, I briefly dated a lovely person who had many fetishes I’d never encountered in partners before, from knives to robots to mortal peril. (Shout-out to those of you who read that sentence and immediately knew exactly who I’m talking about, lol.) They were also into armpits, especially sweaty armpits, and specifically requested that I skip deodorant when we’d be hanging out, because they wanted to experience the natural smell of my sweat, and even wanted to lick the sweat from my armpits.

We discussed all of this and I was open to it – there was no coercion here whatsoever, just so we’re clear! But I’d be lying if I said I felt 100% fine about it. It’s always scary at first to rebel against the rules you’ve been taught your whole life, especially if you’ve been told over and over again that your desirability, loveability, and value as a person are contingent on following those rules to the letter.

I had barely even experienced my own natural sweat smell in many years, having started wearing antiperspirant religiously when puberty popped off in middle school. I was so terrified of being mocked by the other kids back then, the way I’d seen other kids get mocked (which sucks too – we have no idea what circumstances were going on in their life that led to them showing up to school unshowered!). I remember taking the train out to visit this new beau, and surreptitiously wiping the antiperspirant off my underarms with a wet napkin en route – and even just doing that made me feel gross, in a way, like I was wiping off my good-girl femininity.

But through subsequent sessions of decadent armpit worship (which feels better/is hotter than I had anticipated!), sexting about “gross” fetishes with that partner and some others that followed, and (yes!) occasionally checking out stuff like fart porn and dirty foot worship porn just to see what’s out there, I’ve learned that the very things we’re taught to find disgusting are things that some people love more than life itself.

Hell, just yesterday I saw a post on the /r/RandomActsOfMuffDive subreddit that said, “I’m looking for someone who has a strong-smelling pussy. If you are worried you stink, that’s what I’m looking for… Just want to smell you and share in your body. If you are nervous about the way you smell, I will like it.” I’ve heard from so many people that they worry their genitals smell bad/weird, and I imagine it could be affirming and even healing to hook up with someone who actually prefers whatever you’ve got going on. What a revelation!

 

Being gross now

I’ve been interviewed a lot about my sex life and relationships (among other things), and I’m often asked about the logistics of long-distance relationships, since I’ve been in one for over six years at this point. One thing I’ll often say in these interviews, in a jokey tone that belies how absolutely true it is, is that I really value how LDRs don’t require me to shower. If I’m having a tough time with depression and/or chronic pain, I’ll sometimes skip showers for 2-3 days, leaving me grimy and unshaved – and I love that being long-distance means I can do that without needing to worry about how it’ll affect my partner. After all, they can’t smell me during phone sex!

But it’s also affirming that sometimes they’ll ask me to send them a pair of my used panties in the mail, sealed up in a Ziploc to preserve the scent – or, when we’re physically together, they’ll sometimes huff my sweaty shirt or socks when undressing me before sex. There are definitely still times when this horrifies me on a visceral level – like, “No, don’t do that, you’re gonna find out I’m human!!” – but there are also times when it feels like unconditional love, because it kind of is. My partner adores me no matter how gross or clean I happen to be at any given moment, because they see me as a full person, not just a robot who’s failing to perform femininity the way she was programmed to.

Kinks are fun and hot, yeah – but they can also be healing. They can help you unlearn the old bullshit calcifying in the back of your brain, and replace it with stuff you actually believe – including, if you like, the belief that human bodies may be gross, but they’re also glorious, strange, and miraculous. I think that’s fucking beautiful.

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Behind the Seams: Magic Wands, Eggplants, & the Queen of Hearts

Kate Sloan

January 18, 2024

My old high school was putting on an Alice in Wonderland adaptation, so I decided to dress in Alice-y colors to go see it. Call it “Queen of Hearts chic”!

The show was great! My former improv teacher, Mr. Wei, was making his directorial debut, so I was really glad I got to see it. Alice is such a fun coming-of-age story; I studied it extensively in some classes I took at university about children’s literature, so it’s always really interesting to see adaptations of it. (I even considered getting an Alice tattoo at one point… Might still come to pass one day, who knows!)

What I’m wearing:

  • Navy cropped tank top (actually a longline bralette, but shhh, I’m wearing it as a shirt) – Aerie
  • Blue oversize cardigan – a gift from my mom a few years ago, I think?
  • Red skinny pants – Old Navy
  • Red heart-shaped bag – Kate Spade
  • Black leather Frye harness boots

March 30, 2024

I didn’t actually leave the house in this, but hey, loungewear outfits are valid too (especially when you have a chronic illness and there’s a pandemic happening outside!!).

Earlier in the day, I had filmed a song video, after which I kept my makeup on but changed into this comfier ensemble for a relaxing night at home.

What I’m wearing:

  • Black ribbed cropped tank top – Forever 21
  • Black cashmere hoodie – a very sweet Christmas gift from my spouse’s parents (soooo cozy!!)
  • Purple eggplant-print lounge shorts – MeUndies
  • Purple leather heart earrings – Unicorn Collaborators
  • Plain grey socks

May 16, 2024

I wore this out to get my hair done (hence the hat covering the scraggly mess, pre-appointment). My hair’s super short these days, probably the shortest it’s been since I was a toddler, and I love how queer-femme it makes me feel, but it sure does take a lot more upkeep than when it was long!

I’ve been obsessed with romance novels lately, as I start to attempt writing my first one (!!), so during this appointment I was switching back and forth between re-reading my two faves at the moment, Romantic Comedy and The Pairing. Would strongly recommend, especially if you like witty flirting.

What I’m wearing:

May 20, 2024

Here’s what I wore to speak on a panel at the Museum of Sex about my podcast miniseries, Making Magic. (Wow, that’s a sentence that 15-year-old me would not believe if you went back and told her about it!) It was definitely a career highlight. I loved sharing the stage with such smart people, and getting to meet so many folks who came out to celebrate Magic Wand Day with us. And of course, my lovely spouse was at my side, supportive as ever.

Naturally, I’d put together a Magic Wand-themed outfit for the occasion…

What I’m wearing:

  • Blue tennis dress – Iffei (I mainly bought this because it’s cute and blue, but it also helped a lot that it’s moisture-wicking, because I get sweaty under stage lights!!)
  • Magic Wand earrings – FUELifestyle
  • Blue Tiffany’s collar
  • Black leather Frye harness boots
  • Pale blue Coach Mercer satchel (visible on the floor behind me in the lower-left corner)
  • Big-ass false lashes, ’cause why not?!

May 25, 2024

I wore this out to have dinner at Harding’s, a fave New York spot, with my spouse. We’d had a pretty chill day before that, if I recall correctly. It takes me DAYS, if not WEEKS, to fully recover after a big event like the Magic Wand one, above – my fibro-ridden body and brain take time to get back to baseline. So it’s nice to have a partner who’s fine with me being low-energy a lot of the time, but who will nonetheless encourage me to go out, have fun, and eat nourishing food when possible.

What I’m wearing:

June 6, 2024

Same skirt, different day! This was the day when the Betty Dodson episode of Making Magic launched, so I wore this outfit in celebration of Betty, who was a legendary masturbation coach, sex educator, fine artist, and feminist icon.

I wore this out to run some errands, including going to the Hermès store, which I’m pretty sure I’d never been into in my life. My spouse had bought me an Hermès strap for my Apple Watch a few months back, and part of it broke recently, so I went in to get it repaired, but Hermès themselves refused to repair it, which I thought was pretty funny for how expensive their stuff is. I walked over to my local cobbler and they fixed it for $10.

What I’m wearing:

  • “Run the Fuck” T-shirt – Museum of Sex gift shop (the text refers to Betty’s philosophy that women should be more assertive during sex, in order to get our needs met)
  • Blue tennis skirt – Zhanchtong
  • Black leather Frye harness boots

Feel free to jump into the comments to let me know which of these outfits you liked best, and/or what you’ve been wearing and loving lately! (And P.S.: for more posts like this, check out the outfit tag.)