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5 Signs Someone Might Be Good in Bed

Kate Sloan
Trying to decide if I think you’ll be a fun lay or not. (Photo by mb)

I write reviews of sex toys here all the time, but sometimes I wish there were equivalent reviews available for sexual partners: “Clumsy, but enthusiastic.” “Could use some honing, but has definite potential.” “Kept a wand plugged in by the bed and aftercare chocolates in the fridge. 12/10, no notes.”

Granted, different people can bring out different sides of one’s sexuality, and one man’s trash-fuck could easily be another man’s treasure – so these types of reviews might not be terribly useful anyway. Nonetheless, I often do wonder, as I get to know a new crush, whether they’d make me scream in bed, or just make me sigh with frustration. There’s no surefire way to predict this, but here are a few small things I look out for…

They respect boundaries (without pouting)

Arguably this isn’t a “good in bed” thing so much as a basic requirement of consent-conscious sex, but either way, it bodes well. How do they react when you say “no” to them? If you express a preference or a hard limit on anything (sexual or otherwise), do they acknowledge it, remember it, and respect it? Do they ever argue with you about your boundaries, push back against them, or ignore them entirely – and if so, how do they react when called out on that? This can all be useful data when you’re trying to assess whether you’d have a good (and safe) time in bed with someone.

They listen closely & are emotionally attuned

So much of good sex is about attunement, by which I mostly just mean paying attention: noticing what’s giving someone pleasure, and adapting your technique accordingly to make it better and better. The emotional and psychological aspects of sex benefit a lot from attunement, too – it’s hard to feel intimately connected with someone who’s off in their own world mentally.

For this reason, I am far more likely to want to jump someone’s bones if they listen deeply during conversations, ask me good questions out of genuine curiosity, and respond/react to my emotional state when we talk. Shout-out, for example, to the guy who recently brought me a box of Kleenex unprompted because he noticed me getting misty-eyed during a sentimental convo with someone else; that is exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about here 🥵 And on a related note…

They are patient & can stay in the moment

Maybe this is a hot take, but I don’t want to fuck someone who checks their phone constantly on dates, for the same reasons I wouldn’t fuck someone who rolls their eyes and checks their watch while I’m telling them a story – that’s rude as fuck, disconnective, and indicates an itchy impatience that is incompatible with the types of sex I like to have.

By contrast, it is wildly sexy when someone stays so focused on me during conversation that it feels like the rest of the world melts away for both of us. It shows me that they probably won’t get bored and tap out after three minutes of lackluster cunnilingus, for example, but are likelier to instead relish every moment they get to spend down there.

They don’t take themselves too seriously

If I lightly roast a man in the course of flirting with him, and he reacts like I’ve just slapped him across the face, either my comment really was out of line (in which case, mea culpa, my dude!), or he’s more concerned with his ego/image/status than with building a connection. And in my experience, if someone’s ego is shaken that easily, it’ll also be shaken by me asking for technique adjustments in bed, bringing up kinks I want to try, or even incorporating sex toys. In the immortal words of Ariana Grande: “thank u, next!”

They’re good at touching

I adore those early days in a new connection when you haven’t had sex yet and so every touch feels electric with promise. It is soooo hot, which is part of why I don’t like to rush into sex with new people these days. Let’s marinate in that sweet, sweet anticipation together for a while, baby!

The ways that someone touches me before they’ve ever fucked me can be very telling, whether they throw an arm around my waist as we walk down the street, idly massage my shoulders in the back of a taxi, or stroke my inner thigh under the table at a restaurant. Are they good at “reading the room,” sensing when (and where) I might like to be touched and quickly adjusting if they overstep? Do they pay attention to what makes me sigh and melt, and do more of that? And just as importantly, how does my body react to their touch? Do I recoil or tense up because something’s not quite right, or do I find myself relaxing into their touch and wanting more of it? This is all hugely useful data.

What signs do you look for when trying to assess whether you might enjoy having sex with someone?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Mark Me Up, Make Me Yours: 3 Alternatives to Collars

Kate Sloan
Photo by mb

In the kink community, a collar can mean a wide range of different things. For some, it’s simply a sex toy, a way to tug someone around during a scene. For others, it’s a deeply-considered symbol of commitment to a D/s dynamic. And between those two ends of the spectrum are countless variations. A collar can mean whatever you and your partner(s) want it to.

Collars may be the item most associated with commitment in the kink world, like wedding rings in the vanilla world – but just like with wedding rings, some people find that collars are impractical for their lifestyle for various reasons, so they’d rather wear something else. Maybe they have a job where they can’t flag as kinky, nosy family members who would ask too many questions, or a medical condition that precludes any neck constriction – whatever the case may be, there are always workarounds. With that in mind, here are 3 categories of collar alternatives for you to consider…

A mark (temporary or permanent)

Sometimes the whole point of wearing a collar is to be constantly reminded, throughout your day, that you’re in a D/s dynamic with someone you adore, and that they adore you too. To that end, anything which reminds you of your partner can be a useful collar alternative, as long as it’s something you’ll carry around on your body all day – whether that’s a well-placed hickey or bruise, a Sharpie scrawl of their initials, or even a tattoo of a meaningful symbol in your relationship.

A piece of jewelry or other wearable accessory

I once knew a glamorous woman who wore a stunning diamond necklace. When I complimented her on it, she replied with a wink (knowing that I am kinky), “It is what you think it is.” That is to say: a collar-esque symbol can be anything, from a priceless pendant, to a nose ring, to a piece of twine tied around your wrist. All that matters is that you and your partner(s) agree about the shared meaning of the object in question, and that you’ll be pleasantly reminded of your dynamic each time you notice it.

A sex toy, worn under clothes

Chastity cages, wearable vibrators, and butt plug tails, oh my! These products aren’t always practical (I wouldn’t recommend wearing anything metal through a TSA scanner, for instance), but they are great for keeping a sexual connection front-and-centre in your mind. As a bonus, they can generate arousal throughout your day, like a set-it-and-forget-it form of foreplay. Neat!

 

Have you ever tried a “collar alternative” like this? What did you go with?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: VVD RiderGo G-spot fingering vibrator

Kate Sloan

I’ve been really into having my G-spot fingered lately. Usually I prefer deeper penetration, but my G-spot received a lot of attention toward the end of a lascivious first date recently, and so that type of stimulation has been on my mind: the way it makes me gasp and twitch, the balance it strikes between “a little too much” and “yes please more,” and its tendency to make me squirt. G-spot play has a lot to recommend it!

I was intrigued, then, to receive an email from VVD – makers of the Vkini vibrating bra and the Rider Desire sex saddle, both of which I’ve previously reviewed and enjoyed – offering me their new vibrator, which is designed to mimic G-spot fingering. It’s called the RiderGo.

What is the VVD RiderGo vibrator?

VVD’s flagship product is their Rider Desire sex saddle, a rideable toy in the vein of something like a Sybian or Cowgirl, only a whole lot smaller, lighter, and cheaper than those plug-in behemoths of yore. Like many vibes of its type, the Rider Desire came with a few different interchangeable attachments, each with a slightly differing shape and function.

However, as I noted in my Rider Desire review, rideable vibrators are sometimes too bulky, heavy, and awkward to be practical, especially for those of us whose bodies have limitations – which is why it’s so neat that VVD has since launched the RiderGo, a handheld toy that uses the same magnetic attachment system as the Rider Desire.

If you’ve got both toys (which are conveniently sold as a bundle), you can use any/all of the attachments on either the handheld RiderGo base unit, or the rideable Rider Desire base unit, depending on whether you’re in the mood to hold the toy yourself or hump it hands-free. How versatile!

Interestingly, the RiderGo isn’t just a handle for attachments – it comes with its own attachment, the tip of which strokes up and down like a partner massaging your G-spot with their fingers. Its base unit also features a clitoral vibrator – so, in effect, the RiderGo is a rabbit vibrator that features the rare ability to swap out the vaginal arm for other attachments (not included), should you so choose.

Things I like about the VVD RiderGo vibrator:

  • Powerful stroking: This toy’s fingering-esque G-spot stroking function is genuinely great. The tip of the shaft moves up and down quickly in a manner that really does resemble strong human fingers. It doesn’t weaken or slow down under pressure at all, even when I squeeze my vag muscles as hard as I can – this is extremely rare among sex toys of this type! If you like having your G-spot fingered fast and firm, you should consider this toy.
  • Independently controllable functions: The finger-like stroking is controlled using a separate button from the clitoral vibration, so you can stick to using one or the other if you want. If you remove the attachment altogether, you can even use the base unit as a standalone clitoral vibrator, which is useful when you’re still getting turned on and aren’t ready for penetration yet.
  • Versatile clit stimulator: The RiderGo’s clitoral arm is highly flexible/bendy, so it moves with you when you thrust the toy, maintaining clitoral contact the whole time (yay!!). I also appreciate that it has a tongue-like protrusion which feels great on my clitoral hood and actually stays there instead of sliding around uncomfortably, because my clit’s really sensitive and prefers indirect stimulation.
  • Stimulates clit even without vibration: While we’re talking about clit stim – if I turn on this toy’s thrusting function but leave its vibration off, it stimulates my clit nonetheless, because the thrusting motion rubs the toy’s external arm against my clit on each thrust. It’s not enough to get me off, but it certainly gets me turned on/warmed up, which makes the ensuing vibration feel better.
  • Handle design: The looped handle is a great design choice for a thrusting toy, because these toys tend to wriggle their way out of your vag unless anchored in place somehow; I usually put a pillow between my legs for this purpose, but with this toy, I can just thread one finger through the handle’s loop and it takes very little hand strength for me to keep the toy stationary while it thrusts. A thoughtful touch!
  • Modular: It really is pretty cool that you can swap out this attachment for the ones that come with the Rider Desire for some additional variety… although, of course, not everyone will be able to afford both toys.
  • USB-C charging: I’m seeing more and more sex toy companies adopt USB-C for their products, and I’m always glad when they do, because it means one less cable to pack when I travel.
  • Waterproof: It’s IPX7 waterproof, meaning you can wash it in the sink or use it in the bath or shower without fear of ruining it.
  • Price: $79 is a decent price for a powerful, rechargeable dual-stim vibe that mechanically strokes your G-spot, but it’s an even better deal if you bundle it with the Rider Desire and use my coupon code (KateS) to get 12% off: the whole shebang comes out to $290 and they’ll even throw in a bottle of water-based lube for ya.

Things I don’t like about the VVD RiderGo vibrator:

  • Buzzy vibrations: I wish these clitoral vibrations were rumblier. As-is, they’re powerful enough to get me off – often enjoyably! – but just buzzy enough that I noticeably lose some clitoral sensitivity by the end of a session, resulting in weaker (albeit reliable/easy) orgasms.
  • Too few speeds, too close together: The RiderGo’s vibration and stroking functions both only have three steady speeds followed by a handful of patterns. IMO this is not enough steady speeds, especially since there’s not much variation between those three speeds, so I often don’t get the noticeable, immediate boost in arousal/stimulation I am used to getting when I turn a toy’s speed up.
  • Too straight: Despite VVD’s insistence that a gentle 15° curve is ideal for hitting the G-spot, I actually find that this toy’s shaft is too straight to consistently hit mine. It’s more of a teasing massage of the general area than a targeted G-spot onslaught. I wish there was enough shaft length for me to be able to slide this toy into my A-spot instead, because its shape is much better suited to that.
  • Loud: As with many toys that thrust or stroke in this manner, the RiderGo makes a fairly loud mechanical sound in use. That being said, the clitoral vibration is comparatively quiet; it’s only the G-spot “fingering” that’s loud.
  • Short battery life: The RiderGo’s battery only lasts about 45 minutes on a 90-minute charge, which is not ideal. I don’t like feeling rushed!
  • Ill-considered power button: Unusually for a sex toy, the RiderGo can be turned on or off by short-pressing its power button, not long-pressing (which does nothing). I accidentally turned the toy off a few times during testing by mistakenly hitting the power button while trying to change settings.
  • Not anal-safe: While the magnet that affixes the attachment to the base unit is pretty strong, I think there’s a chance the attachment could pop off inside you, so I wouldn’t recommend this toy for anal play.

Final thoughts

Even if the VVD RiderGo was just a rabbit vibe, as it appears to be, it would be plenty impressive. Its G-spot strokes are intense and unrelenting, its clitoral vibrations are strong (albeit somewhat buzzy), and its silicone and ABS plastic construction is high-quality.

But it’s not just a rabbit vibe – its shaft can be swapped out modularly for other attachments sold with VVD’s Sybian-esque Rider Desire, offering you extra versatility down the road. I find the RiderGo’s buzzy vibrations, high noise level, undervaried settings, and barely-curved shaft a bit disappointing, so this isn’t destined to be my favorite vibe – but even so, it was able to get me off reliably when I tested it, which speaks to the sheer power of its G-spot stroking. I think plenty of rabbit-vibe connoisseurs would really dig the RiderGo.

Oh, and I have some deals to share with my readers, courtesy of VVD! You can get the RiderGo, the Rider Desire, or a bundle of the two for a reduced price: my discount code KateS gets you 12% off, site-wide.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

How (& Why) to Keep a Pleasure Diary

Kate Sloan

I love reading through old journals; they teach me so much about myself. Recently I was flipping through one from 2012, the year that I started this blog. Around that time, I was fascinated by the work of Tantra-inspired sex educators like Jaiya and Barbara Carrellas. In keeping with their focus on maximizing pleasure in one’s life, I started keeping a “pleasure log” in my journal.

A typical entry would first describe a sexual fantasy, porn clip, or erotica story that had turned me on, and why I’d found it so sexy. Then I’d go on to describe the ways I’d touched myself (or, more rarely, invited a partner to touch me), the sex toy(s) I’d used, and what my orgasm had felt like. I would often make these notes while lazing around in the sweet afterglow; one could say it was self-administered aftercare in written form.

I didn’t stick with the pleasure-logging habit for very long, probably because my regular journal entries tend to be quite pleasure-focused anyway (as you might expect from me, a self-indulgent Taurus foodie/professional masturbator!). But I still think it’s a fabulous practice that many people could benefit from. The internet can be a helpful resource when you’re seeking answers to publicly knowable sex questions, like which fetish club in Berlin is best, or which dominatrix Melbourne ranks most highly – but when it comes to questions about yourself and your own psychology, it’s likeliest that the answers lie within.

In your pleasure diary, you could document masturbation sessions like I did, or you could take a broader approach and write down any kind of pleasure you encounter throughout your day, from bluebird song on your morning walk, to a silly conversation with a friend, to a stellar glass of wine over dinner. The more that you practice noticing these things, the easier it will be to spot ’em and enjoy ’em.

Whether you call it a pleasure diary or give it a snappier name that suits you better, I think there are a few key reasons you should consider documenting experiences that feel good:

1. Savoring

As sexologist Emily Nagoski describes in her great book Come Together, “savoring” is a science-backed positive psychology technique that helps you enjoy pleasure more deeply and remember it more vividly. Put simply, it’s a mindfulness-based practice of noticing pleasure when it comes up, appreciating it, and maybe even remarking aloud on it (“This feels so good!”) or expressing your enjoyment through laughter, moans, giggles, or however else feels most natural. It can take practice to get good at savoring pleasure, especially for those of us who were raised in sex-shamey environments – and keeping a written log of your most pleasurable moments is a fun way to practice this skill.

2. Self-care

I don’t know about you, but when I’m depressed, sick, or low-energy, I almost forget pleasure even exists, or that there’s any way for me to access it. So it’s helpful to have a big long list I can look at, which reminds me of the foods, drinks, albums, movies, scents, and other sensory pleasures that have reliably made me smile before. Even if you document strictly sexual pleasures in your log, it’ll still be useful to have a list of fantasies, porn clips, sex toy techniques, etc. that you know you can depend on, especially when stress totally tanks your libido.

3. Sharing

Whether or not you currently have (or want) a sexual partner, it’s possible – nay, probable – that someday you will meet a new person with whom you want to share sensory pleasures, sexual or otherwise. And when that day comes, you’ll be glad to have gotten so deeply in touch with what brings you pleasure, because your self-knowledge can be shared with other people to help them give you more pleasure. Likewise, there’s a lot you can learn about their pleasure preferences by asking them what they liked about their most pleasurable past experiences, provided you’re comfortable hearing about that.

Dear readers, have you ever kept any sort of pleasure diary? Have you found it useful and/or illuminating?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Are Sexual Desires More ‘Nature’ or More ‘Nurture’?

Kate Sloan
Closest thing I have to a recent ‘nature’ shot 🌳

I used to have a simple, biodeterministic view of human sexuality. I bought into the ‘born this way’ theory of sexual orientation, because it was (and is) a politically important argument in times of homophobic persecution and discrimination – and because there is indeed some evidence that genes and prenatal hormones play a role in determining whether someone turns out straight or queer. We also know that ‘conversion therapy’ (i.e. attempting to ‘make’ a queer person straight) is not only ineffectual, but is also cruel torture.

All of that being said, the older I get and the more I learn about sexuality, the more I think that our orientations are influenced not just by our biology, but also by our sociocultural environments and life experiences. For instance, if I was a housewife married to a man in the 1950s, I might have noticed an occasional attraction to women outside of my marriage, but probably would have conceptualized those feelings as platonic affection, or even as envy. My social sphere and life path would all be guiding me in a certain direction, and the idea of deviating from that might be too existentially terrifying to even contemplate – so, despite being bisexual by a modern definition (i.e. being attracted to people of more than one gender), I almost certainly would have seen myself as straight back then, without ever questioning that.

I have similar inklings about kinks and fetishes – that they are more culturally dependent than is often acknowledged. Some spanking fetishists have observed, for instance, that paddles are more popular in North America, where corporal punishment in schools has often involved paddling – while UK-based impact kinksters tend to prefer canes, since those are the more historically relevant implements in their culture. Our kinks are inevitably shaped by the images, stories, archetypes, fears, and experiences that we pick up over the course of our lives.

However, despite our vast rainbow of differences, there are some elements of human sexuality that seem to stay constant the world over. For the most part, we all value pleasure, excitement, and connection, although those things can manifest a million unique ways. So, although a Korean live sex show and a German live sex show (for instance) might feature different kinks, a different language, and a different aesthetic, both are entirely, deliciously human – and both have the ability to inspire and influence your future sexual adventures, regardless of how you define your sexuality now.

I am wary of leaning too hard on the ‘nature’ or the ‘nurture’ side of this argument, because both sides have been used to harm queer, trans, kinky, and polyamorous people. Blame sexual variations on genetics, and the eugenicist bigots go hunting for ‘the gay gene’ so they can breed it out of existence. Blame those variations instead on culture and socialization, and those same bigots try to ban gay books, sexy movies, and drag brunches, as if heterosexuality would need to be so violently defended if it was indeed the ‘natural order of things.’

But that’s just the thing: They hate us no matter how we explain ourselves. So I say we might as well live our truth and explain our desires however we see fit – including, sometimes, not at all. There’s something beautiful in accepting the never-ending mystery that is human sexuality, and boldly declaring, “I don’t know why I want these things, but I do. And that is absolutely fine, no matter what anybody else has to say on the subject.”

 

What about you, dear reader? Do you see your sexuality as inborn, culturally influenced, or a bit of both?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.