Salacious Sightseeing & Titillating Tourism

Kate Sloan

I’ve been lucky enough to travel quite a bit in my time. My parents did a lot of work-related travel when I was a kid (crisis management sojourns to foreign countries for my dad, press junkets in New York and Los Angeles for my mom), which instilled in me the sense that travel was freedom, adventure, excitement. They would always bring back presents from their far-flung visits – and now, when I travel, I sometimes bring back presents for them! Ah, the circle of (#jetsetter) life.

Today I want to talk about 5 sexy attractions or date spots I’ve been to in 5 excellent cities. There are more exotic sexual locales – you could, for example, visit the Red Light District in Amsterdam, get the best escorts for all tastes in Melbourne, or go hang out with horny moms on the Twilight tour in Italy – but these are some I’ve personally enjoyed. Check ’em out if you’re ever in the neighborhood!

Kink Shoppe (Philadelphia)

I secretly think most of the best sex shops have a heavy focus on kink. It’s not that “vanilla” sex toys aren’t important – they are – but I find that if a shop is run and frequented by kinksters, it tends to have a better and more thought-out selection of products, both kinky and not. After all, kinksters do love to be overanalytical and nerdy about their sex lives! Kink Shoppe in Philly is no exception: it has a wide array of toys ranging from mild (cute vibrators, colorful dildos) to wild (ball crushers, gas masks). My partner bought a pair of vampire gloves there and they have served us well! P.S. If you want dessert after your sex-shop date, walk a block west to the Franklin Fountain for ice cream. Yummm.

Drink (Boston)

This is supposedly the #1 cocktail bar in Boston and I believe it. The bartenders are brilliant and worth the wait. (There was about a 45-minute-long line when my partner and I went; we played Scrabble on my phone and people-watched while we waited.) They have no cocktail menu, so you just tell them what kinds of things you like and dislike in a drink and they’ll make you something great. And then, if you’re me, you go back to your hotel and do a watersports scene. *shrug*

Spartacus (Portland)

This is maybe the best sex shop I’ve ever been to, and I don’t say that lightly! I’d heard of the Spartacus brand of sex products before, but didn’t know they had an actual retail location – and OMG, it is amazing. You could easily spend a good 2-3 hours picking through the massive selection of stuff. My partner and I walked out with a bottle of Sliquid lube and a pair of scandalous fishnet underwear, but honestly, there were like 12 other things I could’ve bought. Plus the cashier didn’t unnecessarily gender us. Score.

Onoir (Montreal)

Some relationship psychology theorists say an easy way to “rekindle the spark” is to do something new and/or scary together. Roller coasters and horror movies are the commonly cited examples, but I don’t like jump-scares or loop-de-loops… Onoir served a similar function when my partner and I went there, though! It’s a fine dining experience in a completely dark room, where you’re led around and waited on by blind servers. It’ll certainly make you think differently about food, and maybe about your beau, too!

Museum of Sex (New York)

Periodically a friend of mine will go on vacation to New York and will message me to ask if I think the Museum of Sex is worth a visit. It really depends on what the current exhibitions are – I’ve seen some pretty good ones and some pretty boring ones – but for the most part, I’d say if you’re a sex nerd visiting NYC, you should check it out. The lobby is a sex shop stocked by someone who clearly knows what they’re doing, so you can cap off your visit by buying a luxury thruster, CBD lube, or a vintage copy of Playboy. Ideal.

 

What are your favorite sexy or date-y spots you’ve visited on your travels?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Monthly Faves: Zumio, Ziggy, & Zines

Kate Sloan

Happy Halloween! Here are some notable highlights from my October…

Sex toys

• I don’t have much new stuff to report here because I’m a curmudgeonly old sex toy reviewer who’s set in her ways (i.e. using the Eroscillator several times a week), BUT: Intimina sent me their Ziggy menstrual cup, supposedly the only reusable cup you can leave in while having sex. I haven’t gotten to try it yet but I am excited to test its capabilities.

• Zumio sent me the newer version of their product, the Zumio S. The original was incredibly intense; this new version is geared toward people who are more sensitive. It’s less strong and has a silicone tip that muffles the oscillation slightly. Still feels plenty strong to me, though! I’ve had a hard time getting off with this toy because the shape is just too pinpoint for my finicky clit, but it feels nice nonetheless.

Fantasy fodder

• Been thinking a lot lately about fractionation, the hypnosis phenomenon whereby a hypnotist moves their subject in and out of trance very quickly several times in a row, to induce a feeling of disorientation. It feels like my brain is getting fucked. Much like drugs or alcohol, it creates an altered state in me very quickly and easily, which is very much within my kinky wheelhouse.

• My partner often reads to me over the phone, and lately we’ve been working our way through Desperate Measures, a fanfic novella where Jafar and Jasmine from Aladdin have a relationship involving consensual non-consent and DD/lg. Weirdly, it has some very Fifty Shades vibes: Jafar is a well-off businessman and Jasmine is a sheltered good girl. The fanfiction medium continues to dazzle and delight.

• Am I into impregnation kink now?? (That is always how it feels when a new-to-me kink shows up in my sex-brain. Like: What?? This?? Really??) I was talking to my partner about this recently and remarked that, for me, it’s pretty hard to separate the terror of real-life pregnancy from the fantasy desire to be impregnated – how can I truly know whether the latter is hot to me while the former is present? – but, even with that arousal-dampening condition in place, I’m still mildly intrigued by this kink. Hmm.

Sexcetera

• I trekked down to New York to see Bex (who was getting his top surgery, OMG!) and Matt (my luv). Some highlights of my trip: Bex’s carrot cake, watching B99 and Claire Saffitz for hours, truffle pasta at The Pool, rum cocktails at Dear Irving, a really hot blue-eyed British nurse in the recovery room, shopping for eyeshadow, and of course, seeing Bex’s resilience and delight post-surgery. What a remarkable friend I have.

• I guested on Trends Like These again this month, stepping in to talk about “woke” comedy, leaked nudes, and video game bankruptcy. Always a pleasure! Brent and I also guested together on the SyFy Every Day Horror podcast, where we discussed the movie Insidious – not my fave, but Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne are very hot in it, so, y’know. (Did you know all my guest podcast appearances are listed on my Press page?)

• On The Dildorks, we chatted about breakups and Bex’s top surgery, and interviewed Aida Manduley about attachment theory. On Question Box, we interrogated incredible guests like Heidi O’Ferrall and SungWon Cho. In my newsletter, I wrote about friend-ghosting, an impromptu watersports scene, an accidental trance, and queer sex.

• Sextistics: This month I had in-person sex 20 times (!) and phone sex also 20 times, for a combined total of 40 sex sessions. That’s… too many for 31 days, but okay.

Fashion & beauty

• My skin’s been chaotic for months (psoriasis + depression + chronic pain can do that to a person), so this month I bought some new skincare products to try to sort it out. My current routine looks like this: rinse face with water in the morning, moisturize with squalane and CeraVe cream, apply eye cream (haven’t settled on a fave yet but I’m using Origins GinZing and IT Cosmetics Bye Bye Under Eye) and sunscreen; in the evening, wash face with Mario Badescu Enzyme Cleansing Gel and a konjac sponge, apply glycolic acid toner and eye cream, and moisturize with rose hip seed oil and Lush Celestial; twice a week, use a salicylic acid mask. Plus occasional medicated psoriasis creams. My grumpy skin is finally starting to calm down!

• Maybe I “should” be wearing more “autumnal” lipsticks at this point, but instead I’m still stuck on my favorite pink du moment, Sugarpill’s “Girl Crush.” It’s pretty much perfect.

• Since I work from home, loungewear is an important category in my wardrobe. I have a new pair of modal lounge pants from the Gap that are blissfully soft, and comfy enough to wear to bed but (just barely) opaque enough to wear on a coffee run or to the laundry room. A++!

Media

• Tegan and Sara’s new album Hey, I’m Just Like You is all reworked versions of songs they wrote in high school, so it’s full of romantic melodrama and boppy hooks. I’ll probably never love another album of theirs as much as I loved The Con, but this one has certainly been haunting my head lately.

• My award-winning novelist cousin Sean’s new book The Wagers came out this month, and I loved it. It’s a high-stakes heist story about luck and love, set in locales as far-flung as a Montreal grocery store and a desert commune.

• I ordered a bunch of Clementine Morrigan’s zines and they’re soooo good. She writes with profound acuity about love, trauma, kink, sobriety, friendship, and queerness.

Little things

Laundry day. Solo food court dates. Seeing DeAnne Smith do stand-up from front-row centre. Peanut M&Ms (the superior movie theatre snack). Making Brent laugh with my dumb puns. Replacing the ink cartridge in my fancy pen. Bursts of creative energy at odd hours. New sheets. 24 Hours of Improv at the Bad Dog. Giant margaritas. My therapist getting extremely flustered when he accidentally made a suicide joke in front of me (lol). Letting my love borrow my lipstick. Clients who know what they want and communicate it well. Automatically generated word count goals on Scrivener. Seeing two burlesque performers do an anal fisting scene on stage (!!). Exercising my democratic right, in a really cute outfit. Watching the election results come in at the Glad Day. Martinis and theatre with my mom. Talking to a kink-nerd friend about sex research and BDSM psychology for hours. Tinder Tales at the Gladstone. Interviewing my heroes.

My 11 Must-Haves For Chronic Pain

Kate Sloan

Y’all, it has been a tough month for me with regards to my chronic pain. I’ve spent so many days in bed, asked so many people to help me with basic tasks because my sore body couldn’t accomplish them, cried a few times when painkillers just weren’t cutting it… This shit really sucks sometimes.

But on the plus side, there’s always something I can do to alleviate my symptoms at least a little. Here are some of the products I use on a day-to-day basis that make life with chronic pain more bearable…

A lap desk. Mine is from IKEA but I gather that there are better ones out there. It’s not strictly ergonomic to use a computer in bed – which presents its own host of potential problems in terms of pain – but sometimes, it’s all I can manage. This neat little innovation keeps my computer from overheating on the duvet and creates a sturdy surface that allows for easier typing when I’m too achy to sit at my desk.

An eye mask. I have one from Mad Toto which I like because it has a spiral on each eye (hypnokinksters take note!). Sleep is an important part of my pain management, and since I live in an apartment with gloriously bright wall-to-wall windows, I have to wear an eye mask if I want some quality shut-eye. (More recommendations here.)

A weed vape. It’s funny: in high school I was staunchly anti-drugs, but now, in adulthood, I’ve found that cannabis is one of the only things which can tame both my physical pain and my mental health symptoms. It doesn’t always work, but it sure helps. My current fave thing is the AirVape X, a slick, bright blue vaporizer that comes highly recommended and feels like what would happen if Apple made a vape.

The Notes app. It’s built into iOS and has most of the functions I could want from a note-taking app. I like this one for writing when my body is too sore to use a computer; it syncs to all my various devices so I can later transfer the completed writing wherever it needs to go. (I’ve also been using the Scrivener iOS app sometimes lately because that’s what I’m writing my book in, and it syncs from my computer using Dropbox.)

A heating pad. Mine is an extremely basic microwaveable one I picked up from Shoppers Drug Mart for about $20, but it works a treat. This is sometimes the only thing that can calm down my sore, stiff muscles.

Modal lounge pants. I have several pairs of these now, from Gap and MeUndies, and they’re soooo gooood. During a pain flare-up, it’s important that I have clothes which are comfortable, non-restrictive, and easy to get in and out of, and these totally fit the bill.

Slip dresses (like this). Same deal: these are super comfy for lounging around the house. They’re also, depending on the fabric and the cut, potentially presentable enough to wear outside, particularly if I throw on some leggings underneath and a cardigan on top – always a plus when I barely want to move, let alone change my whole outfit.

Voice recognition software, like Siri on the iPhone. When my pain is really bad, sometimes telling Siri to do my bidding is the best I can manage. With her help, I can write texts, do Google searches, check the weather, etc. without even needing to pick up my phone.

Bath products. Taking a hot bath is one of the most helpful things I can do for my pain. I like Lush bath bombs the most; Epsom salts are also great, especially ones containing essential oils like peppermint and eucalyptus, and now some companies are even making CBD-infused bath products for an extra hit of relaxation.

Lipstick. Silly and frivolous? Yes. Fun and therapeutic? Also yes. Lipstick is (for me, anyway) the easiest cosmetic to apply, so even when I can’t manage eyeliner or foundation, I can still put on a day-brightening coat of lip color and feel cute. Underrated and important!

A vibrator. Okay, as you probably know, I have several. The most helpful one for my chronic pain is the Magic Wand Rechargeable: it’s a stellar muscle massager, and can also readily induce orgasms that ease my symptoms with endorphins. Plus it’s relatively easy to hold even when I’m having a flare-up, unlike heavier wands like the Doxy Die Cast.

 

I asked my fellow chronic pain-afflicted Twitter followers what products they find helpful, and some common recommendations were:

  • A TENS unit. These use pulses of electricity to soothe muscle pain and tension.
  • Electric heating pads and hot water bottles. Basic but useful as hell.
  • Wrist braces, elbow braces, compression gloves, etc. I don’t know quite how well these would work for my particular types of pain but am curious to try!
  • Soothing topicals, including Biofreeze, Tiger Balm, arnica cream, and THC- or CBD-infused coconut oil.
  • Lots of pillows, including firm positioning aids like the Liberator Jaz, for maximizing comfort and propping up sore knees.
  • Ear plugs, for improving sleep quality.
  • A foam roller, for massaging muscles.
  • Ergonomic keyboards, mouses, and desks (especially standing desks) for an easier time at the computer.
  • Food that requires very little prep, like fruits, microwaveable meals, ramen, and oatmeal packets. More suggestions here.

Do you have any favorite products when pain comes a-knockin’?

An Erotic Hypnosis FAQ

Kate Sloan

Of all the kinks I’ve explored in my diverse and storied sex life, I think hypnokink is one of the ones I get the most questions about. Sometimes people seem flummoxed when I mention it, as if they had never even considered that hypnosis could be perverted into a sex act – and I don’t blame them, because I didn’t really know it was a thing either, before I did it!

I’m no hypno expert – you should look into the work of Mark Wiseman, Sleepingirl, Mr. Dream, Lee Allure, and DJ Pynchon if you want info from more experienced people – but here, nonetheless, are the answers to some of the most common questions I get asked about hypnosis.

Q. What is hypnosis?

A. The way I understand it, hypnosis (or hypnotism) is the process of bringing someone into an altered state (trance).

Q. What is trance?

A. Much like subspace, being drunk/high, or being in “flow state,” trance is an altered state that can change how you speak, how you behave, and how you perceive stimuli. Trance is characterized by hyper-focus, though it may not look like that from the outside. Someone who is in trance is often more suggestible than they would otherwise be, which makes it a useful state for kink games.

Q. What does trance feel like?

A. It’s important to emphasize here that 1) trance feels different for different people and 2) it may not feel like what you’d expect it to feel like. You will have a better hypnosis experience if you’re able to release all preconceived notions about what trance “should” feel like and just remain present and focused on what you are feeling.

That said, for me, trance feels a lot like those calm, still moments between sleep and wakefulness, or like being super stoned but still lucid. My thoughts come more slowly, and there are fewer of them. It’s often hard for me to speak or move when in trance. My eyes fall closed and my body goes slack. I can still perceive and understand what’s happening around me, but am particularly focused on the voice of my hypnotist and have, to some extent, the ability to tune out other stimuli. It’s a warm, pleasant, heavy feeling, like being really sleepy in a big comfy bed.

Q. Afterward, do you remember what happened while you were in trance?

A. For the most part, yes. It can be like subspace in that sometimes my memory will be blurry or will need to be jogged if I’m going to recall the scene. But unless specifically instructed to forget something (a potentially risky practice called hypnotic amnesia), I typically have no problem remembering what happened.

Q. Can anyone be hypnotized?

A. There are some neurological conditions which may make trance difficult or impossible to achieve – usually conditions which affect one’s ability to focus. However, most people can be hypnotized.

Q. Can a hypnotist make you do things you don’t want to do?

A. As Sleepingirl and GleefulAbandon point out in their excellent zine about hypnosis myths, the idea of hypnosis as mind control isn’t right but also isn’t completely wrong. While your trancey brain will often naturally fight against following orders you genuinely don’t want to follow, it is still possible for someone to use hypnosis to sway your behavior in ways that may go against your will. That’s true for lots of kinks: if I trusted a dominant, for example, the intoxication of subspace could make me do things they told me to do during a scene, even if those things hadn’t previously been negotiated or agreed to. As with any kink activity, hypnosis scenes should be thoroughly negotiated beforehand, and you should use your best judgment in selecting partners you think are trustworthy.

Q. How can I learn hypnosis?

A. If you want to be a hypnotist (also known in the community as a top or a ’tist), I would strongly recommend picking up Mark Wiseman’s book Mind Play. It’s a great primer on the whys and hows of erotic hypnosis, and you will be able to at least attempt to hypnotize someone after reading it. There’s also a reading list on Mr. Dream’s FetLife profile that you’ll find helpful.

If you’re only interested in being a hypnotic subject (also known as a bottom or a hypnotee), I still think you should read Mind Play to get a sense for how hypnosis works and what it can be used for. There’s even a section in Mind Play that teaches you how to hypnotize yourself. There are also tons of sex workers and content creators who offer hypnosis videos and audios – Priestess Katherine, Alicia Fairclough, Gently Bitten, and Tennfan, for example – though it should be noted that these aren’t a perfect substitute for “the real thing” with a partner, because, like sex, hypnosis works best when all participants involved are present, paying attention, and tailoring their approach to the person or people they’re with.

Q. How did you get into hypnosis?

A. I was vaguely aware of erotic hypnosis before meeting my current partner Matt (a fuckbuddy once tried to induce an orgasm in me using hypnotic-ish techniques, much to my amusement and chagrin), but I never tried it until I started dating them in 2017. It was a major kink of theirs – which they disclosed to me sometime between our first and second dates – and it immediately piqued my interest because of how it could potentially be combined with D/s. We did our first hypno scene by accident (!) and the rest is history.

Q. Is it hot?

A. There are lots of people for whom the hot thing is the hypnosis itself. Maybe being in trance turns them on, maybe seeing someone else going into trance turns them on, maybe hypnosis tropes in TV and movies turn them on, maybe all of the above! As with many fetishes, hypnokink isn’t always easy to explain to people who don’t have that kink. Either you get it or you don’t.

That said, you don’t have to have a hypno fetish to find erotic hypnosis sexy. I (and many others) find it hot for reasons other than the trance itself: for example, the power dynamics at play, the sensory effects hypnosis can induce, and the way a skilled hypnotist can quiet my anxious mind to allow for greater heights of relaxation and arousal. If you eroticize control – controlling someone, being controlled, or both – then hypno can be a really fun and unique way to play with that.

Q. What kinds of things can you do in a hypno scene?

A. Again, check out Mind Play for a list of ideas, as well as Lee Allure’s list. Some things I’ve done in the past: altering the intensity or location of sensations (e.g. making someone’s thigh feel like their cock; turning up someone’s sensitivity), altering how sensations are perceived (e.g. turning pain into pleasure), inducing a state of “bondage” (through the suggestion that a particular body part, or the whole body, is stuck or stilled), reducing inhibitions, temporarily changing someone’s personality (e.g. making them behave like a child or be more dominant), and pairing a particular verbal trigger with some kind of reaction (e.g. you feel your arousal doubling every time you hear the words “good girl”).

Q. Where can I find hypno porn/erotica?

A. Try the Erotic Mind-Control Story Archive, the hypnotism tag on Archive of Our Own, and the porn on Entrancement.

Q. How can you ensure consent and safety in a hypno scene?

A. My approach to kink is focused on harm reduction and being risk-aware, meaning that I recognize every sexual activity has its risks and it’s up to each person to be aware of those risks and make decisions for themselves accordingly. So, as with any kink activity, you can’t guarantee that nothing will go wrong in a hypno scene. That said, you can mitigate risk by thoroughly pre-negotiating your scenes, having a safeword in place, and (if you’re the hypnotist) always building safety measures into your suggestions (e.g. “you will experience [x effect] only tonight and only with me”; “if you are uncomfortable at any point, you will automatically float back up into wakefulness”).

Q. Is erotic hypnosis anything like hypnotherapy?

A. Hypnosis is used in lots of different ways by lots of different people. It is indeed sometimes used in a therapeutic context, by trained professionals, to help with problems like addiction or trauma. It should not be used in this way by anyone who lacks thorough training in hypnotherapy. That said, as with many kinks, hypnosis may not be therapy but it can be therapeutic, in the sense that it may have positive emotional and psychological effects for various reasons. My partner and I have occasionally used hypnosis to achieve positive and non-sexual effects, such as temporarily reducing my anxiety or my chronic pain, but any therapeutic use more complex than that (especially anything involving memories or age regression) should only be attempted by professionals. (If you’re looking for one, I would recommend Dr. Liz Powell.)

Q. How do I find someone to try/practice hypnosis with?

A. My partner’s earliest hypnokink experiences happened on websites where you can chat with strangers who share your interests, like Omegle, but they don’t recommend that because you don’t know who you’re playing with or whether they’re ethical kinksters. You can look for local hypnokink meetups on FetLife, or consider attending hypno cons like Beguiled or Charmed. You could also hire a sex worker who specializes in hypnosis.

 

Hope that helps, y’all!

34 Nice Things to Do For Your Long-Distance Partner

Kate Sloan

Long-distance relationships are more prevalent than ever, so there are more people than ever who live every day in a perpetual state of missing someone. That sucks – but on the plus side, because of technology, it’s also easier than ever for long-distance couples to stay integrated into each other’s lives.

Cobbled together from my experiences and imaginings, here are 34 things you could do for your long-distance partner that will brighten their day and make them feel closer to you. A note: lots of these require money, but lots do not. Financial privilege (or lack thereof) is definitely a factor in how easy or hard it is to connect with your long-distance sweetheart, unfortunately. My hope is that you’ll find at least some new things to try on this list that are accessible to you. 💜

Establish a routine. The unpredictability and instability of LDRs – particularly if you’re never sure when you’ll be able to get together next – can be really draining. It’s nice to know you can still count on your partner’s presence in some form, even when they’re not physically present. So set some regularly-scheduled date nights and stick to them as well as possible. Show each other that you can count on one another, and on your relationship.

Send them food. If you lived in the same city, you’d be able to make them meals or take them to restaurants – but sending food from afar is the next-best thing if you can’t do those. Make use of services like Seamless and Uber Eats to keep your partner well-fed, if they want that. (This is particularly nice when they’re too sick or busy to figure out their own meal plan.)

Send them stuff they need. If you can make your partner’s life a little bit easier, don’t you want to? If they’re running out of toilet paper, low on cooking oil, or all out of laundry detergent, you can use the magic of the internet to get those things to them and save them a trip to the store. (Again: particularly great for a sick or busy partner.)

Send them stuff they want. You know, like presents? There doesn’t necessarily have to be a reason. Sometimes you just see something in a store and think, “Wow, my partner would love this.”

Share your calendar with them. This is a small-and-yet-big way to demonstrate your trust for your partner and your desire for continued intimacy with them. It’ll make them feel more involved in your life, because they can always see at a glance what you’re up to.

Send “good morning” and “good night” texts. Simple. Easy. Cute. Nice.

Read to them. Listening to your voice, over the phone or on Skype, might be the closest your partner can feel to you when you’re far apart. One lovely way to use your voice – especially at the end of a long day when they might be too emotionally drained to converse much – is to read to them. Books, articles, posts from your 2007 LiveJournal… Whatever appeals!

Send them flowers. My partner has done this for birthdays, anniversaries, and sadder occasions like a death in my family. It always, without fail, makes me feel special and loved. Plus it brightens up my room in a very physical, visible way, which my partner would also do if they were here!

Send them something to cuddle. A stuffed animal, or perhaps a body pillow. (My partner and I have long wanted to go to Build-a-Bear together to make a Matt-lookin’ bear I can snuggle when I miss them.)

Count down the days to your next visit. You can do this in some kind of app, in your shared calendar, or just daily via text. It shows your partner that you miss them and are excited to see them again – and it can make you both feel more in control of a situation that often feels very disempowering.

Wear a reminder of them. A piece of jewelry they gave you, a shirt you borrowed from them, their collar, whatever. You’ll feel closer to them when you wear it, and they’ll feel closer to you too when they see it in pictures (see below).

Send them selfies. One a day, or more, I say! Going without your partner’s physical presence for long periods of time is slightly easier when you can at least look at them.

Send them (consensual) nudes. I mean, of course. If they find your body sexy in person (which they likely do), they’ll find it sexy in pictures too. They can also use those pictures as “reference images” the next time they want to fantasize about you in a private moment, naw’m sayin’?

Send them snail mail. Love letters are underrated in this day and age! Their rarity also makes them likely to be a pleasant surprise for their recipient. Get out some nice stationery and hop to it!

Introduce them to your friends and family. They probably feel somewhat disconnected from your “real life” because of the distance. Keeping them acquainted with the important people in your life can help them feel more incorporated into your life.

Remember and acknowledge important days. Are they nearing the anniversary of starting at their current job? What about the anniversary of their grandmother’s death? Is their favorite TV show returning for another season? Does your bisexual sweetheart need some extra love and praise on Bi Visibility Day? Remembering this type of thing might seem small, but it shows your partner that you pay attention to them and are there for them.

Give them keys to your place. They may never even use or need them, depending on your situation(s), but it’s a nice gesture to give them a set anyway. It’s a romantic expression of “mi casa es su casa.”

Post pictures of the two of you on social media. One of the hard things about being in an LDR is that you can’t “be seen together” in the usual ways – at parties, family functions, shows, and so on. Social media can achieve a similar effect, however. Your love will feel special knowing you love them enough to show them off on Instagram.

“Sleep with” them. Just leave your phones/webcams on all night (if data plans and other technology constraints allow for this). It’ll comfort them to hear you softly breathing nearby, the way they would if you were right beside them in bed.

Reminisce on memories with them. Yes, they’ve already heard these stories – they, in fact, lived them – but verbally reviewing your special memories together can help you feel closer. “Remember that time we…”

Take time off to see them. This isn’t always possible, due to Capitalism™ – but if you’re at all able to completely step away from your work and other responsibilities for the duration of your visit, it’ll make it that much better. It sucks to be distracted by work when you want to focus on your partner. Maybe you could even reshuffle some vacation days so you get more time with your beloved instead of, say, taking off as much time for the holidays as you usually do.

Send them pictures of what you’re doing. The lunch you just made, the club you’re at, a weird billboard you saw on your walk to the subway. These little glimpses of your life help your partner feel closer to you.

Create a shared photo album online. If you both have iPhones, this is a built-in functionality via the cloud, though other systems probably have something similar. If you keep all the pictures of your adventures together in one place, you can scroll through them for comfort whenever things are hard.

Cheer them on. If they have a big presentation, performance, or project on their docket for the day, make sure they know you’re in their corner. You can be just as effective a cheerleader from afar as you could from nearby.

Leave them a piece of your clothing. To you, it may just be a sweaty old T-shirt; to them, it could feel like a security blanket.

Make them a playlist. A millennial love ritual if there ever was one. Bonus points if it’s tailored for a specific purpose – like a mix of jams for a party they’re throwing, or an assortment of your favorite showtunes because they mentioned wanting to get more into musical theatre.

Help them take care of themselves. As their partner, you may be able to see patterns they can’t – like that they put off grocery shopping too long when they’re stressed at work, or they socially isolate themselves when they’re depressed. Gentle reminders can be enough to keep them on the right track, self-care-wise.

Skype them into events. The people you’re partying with can say hi to your partner, and they can see what you’re up to and feel like they’re there too.

Consume media together. Sync up a Netflix movie while you’re talking on the phone, read the same book and discuss it, listen to their favorite band’s new album from start to finish together… Local couples have lots of opportunities to hit the cinema or check out concerts together, but long-distance couples have to get a bit more creative to share similar experiences.

Take them on “phone dates.” The two of you can each get dolled up and go out to a place in your respective cities – a bar or restaurant, say – and then talk on the phone while you’re there, as if they’re with you. The establishment’s staff might think you’re a little weird, but it won’t matter to you, because you’ll be on a date with your sweetheart!

Get good at phone sex, Skype sex, and/or sexting. If sex is important to both of you, you probably miss it a lot when you’re apart… so figure out ways to be sexual together when you can’t actually touch. Tina Horn’s book Sexting is a great place to start if you want to brush up your skills.

Give them a sexual stand-in for yourself. A Clone-a-Willy of your dick, perhaps, or a Fleshlight meant to represent your vag. A nice thing about sex toys is that you can use them whether you’re apart or together.

Surprise them with a visit. This is an advanced-level move, because it requires intimate knowledge of a) your partner’s schedule and b) how they react to surprises (some people hate them). But if you think they’d be open to it, and that they have time to spend with you, it’d probably make them really happy.

Talk about the future. So much of #LongDistanceLyfe is spent waiting for the next visit, and the next, and the next; it can make you feel like you’re on a sad hamster wheel of heartbreak, a Skype-era Sisyphus (try saying that five times fast). If you have plans to eventually move to the same place, live together, get married, or anything else, it can be soothing to talk about those plans from time to time. It’ll keep you both focused on your goal, and less bogged down by the daily difficulties of your situation.

 

What nice things do you like to do for long-distance partners?